"helping the veteran and their families who survived the war, survive the peace"

Behind Glass

Depression has always been something that has affected me my whole life. The exhaustion that others feel when they do their best to help me back up on my feet; I have later felt that in turn in this life.

But while I date my soldier, and while he has met this rough patch in his life right now; he won't speak to me much. While he and I usually get along fine, that we hardly fight, he never speaks of his own feelings.

I understand that "Oh he's a guy." That isn't an excuse in my book. Quite in fact, men are perfectly capable of voicing their own feelings; they just do it in their own way. He has PTSD and depression; I understand that, and I have it myself to some degree. However, you can still try. I went through life pushing through obstacles in life; I see no reason why he can't either. He is choosing to be miserable; to be isolated; to act like I'm non-existent. There are days now where I just have ceased going into trying to communicate with him. He is so stubborn it's aggravating and completely unfair to me; then again that's how life has always been for me. Watching my boyfriend go through his own depression, I feel like I'm behind glass. My pleas are falling on deaf ears; and another day that I gaze at him; eyes welling up with tears and begging him to talk to me - to stop being so distant. I am so frustrated that he's not even willing to try to talk things out. I know he can, he's just refusing to, and I don't know how much more I can take of this.

Right now it's raining in my head; and I can't seem to find an umbrella.

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Comment by Lauren Eighmy on November 21, 2012 at 8:12am: @ Rebekah -

I genuinely agree with you. Quite in fact your two cents are priceless to me. Thank you so much :D

He's doing much better now; I'm just glad he decided to snap out of it.

It just upsets me that I can't do more for him. Again, thank you so much for your two cents, Rebekah; I sincerely appreciate it to the highest degree :)

Comment by Rebekah Voss on November 19, 2012 at 9:15am: Lauren, thanks for sharing. I know there are many people who have been through what you're going through right now. I hope they will share their experiences with you here, especially how difficult it can be for a vet to connect with his or her partner when they're struggling with PTSD.

My two cents: You say he is choosing to be miserable, but can you really know that that's true? When YOU go through depression, as you stated you have, are YOU choosing to be depressed? Or do you feel like no matter what you do, you can't snap yourself out of it?

Is it possible that he IS trying, and that right now, this IS the best he can do?

The best thing you can do is be there for him when is is ready to talk. You can't force him to open up when he's not ready..and why would you want to? If you can, try and remember what it's like to feel depressed and have people pushing you, trying to force you to feel better. Doesn't it push you even further away from them?

Cultivate acceptance and quiet, steadfast support. He has to go through this in his own time. While it may be inconvenient and hurtful to you, remember that he is not you. Just because you were able to "push through obstacles" in your own way, doesn't mean his process will be exactly the same.

Finally, I have to say that PTSD related to war is an entirely different animal than any other kind of challenge. You cannot understand it, and you never will. Be gentle with him, and be careful when making comparisons to his struggles and your own.

Sincerely,

Rebekah